If You’re Homosexual, Ought to You See a Homosexual Therapist?

As a therapist, I’m often hearing certain particular questions from clients and potential clients alike—as a gay man, should I be seeing a gay therapist? Does it matter? What makes the most sense for me?

It’s worth talking about these questions now, as so many people decide as part of their New Year’s resolutions to start therapy. How do they choose?

Why a gay therapist?

Let’s begin with the benefits of seeing a gay therapist. The first one is pretty obvious: there are no long explanations needed in order for him to understand your situation. You can go in with the assumption that your gay male therapist will be comfortable and will have already heard about everything—including your sex life.

Additionally, a gay male therapist can spend time with you talking about shared gay community norms, which can help you make decisions about what’s healthy for you and/or how you may want to modulate your behavior.

Belonging to the same community can also present challenges that you probably haven’t thought about. Given that you are both a part of the same community, there may likely be a competitiveness based on your perception of how he (and you) master living life in said community. Over the years I’ve worked with gay male clients, I’ve found some men resentful of me based on items that are important within our community: my success, what I look like, my wardrobe, or—more significantly—their assumptions about who I am based on their own projections. Clients often assume I fit the mold of the stereotypical white gay man who has everything and won’t honor the sanctity of the relationship. These feelings are important to explore in the therapy relationship, but can certainly be challenging.

Contrary to many people’s assumptions, gay men are not immune to homophobia, most of it internalized from a lifetime of living in a homophobic world. This fear and anger can surface in therapy with another gay man, especially if the therapist is comfortable with himself in ways that the client is not yet. (One client told me he had a mental image of me skipping down Newbury Street in Boston with a bunch of shopping bags! He wasn’t altogether wrong—I am shallow in ways I choose to be, but also deep in other, more meaningful ways—but the remark was helpful because it showed me how trapped he was feeling inside himself.)

Will they understand me?

Considering seeing a therapist who isn’t gay can seem a little scary; gay men often make assumptions about a straight therapist’s level of comfort with the things the client wants to talk about. Right away I want to quell that fear: if the therapist is experienced, that won’t be an issue. And finding someone outside of the gay community who is comfortable with all aspects of a gay client’s life can be a profound and healing experience; I’ve often sent gay clients to non-gay therapists. The experience can be nothing less than transformative.

From my point of view, it’s interesting to explore the assumptions gay men have about straight therapists, and the assumptions they make about how therapists view them. One thing all therapists know is that if something is happening in the therapy room, then the same dynamic is happening elsewhere in the client’s life, too. And since we don’t live in isolation, a straight therapist can bring a perspective to the table that a gay therapist might not—they can speak out of their experience as a parent, for example. Sometimes that experience can be more useful than the perspective of a gay male therapist.

Ultimately, the answer to the question is to do your homework and then listen to your gut. Call the office and listen to the therapist’s voice (you can hang up; all you really want from this exercise is to hear what they sound like). Peruse the various profiles here on Psychology Today. One of the best ways to find the right therapist is through referrals from friends, family, even other providers. Too often clients make the mistake of choosing a therapist based solely on geographic proximity and choice of insurance carriers. Feeling safe and respected by your therapist—whether that person is gay or not—is the key to successful therapy. You’ll be very vulnerable with this person, so securing that level of trust is essential.

Different choices for different seasons of life

Finally, gay men may choose to work with different therapists based on where they are in their life’s trajectory. They might enter therapy for the first time with a gay male therapist because on some levels, as we’ve seen, the understanding of the gay community may make it seem easier to talk to a gay man. At other times, perhaps later in life, a gay client may choose a different, straight therapist based on other criteria that are important to that particular moment.

It’s absolutely okay for you to ask them if they’ve had experience working with gay men, but make sure to really listen to them when they answer. Even if a straight therapist has had few or no gay clients, they still might offer precisely what you need, and a response along the lines of, “I haven’t had that many experiences, and maybe you’ll help me understand more” is actually pretty ideal; you’ll both be engaged in the process.

Straight or gay? Ultimately that can matter less than other factors. The bond and feeling of comfort will always be what is most important.